Reflecting on 30 days

Wow, have I ever turned into a blogging slacker!! But I will do better!!

Last Thursday, October 28th, I was privileged to be able to pick up my 30-day chip at Celebrate Recovery. I had really mixed feelings about it. I have attended CR off and on for years now. But I have never picked up a chip other than my first-time chip. Why? Well for one thing I am incredibly shy, so to raise my hand and have everyone turn to look at me feels horrifying. But really what it boils down to is I'm not sure how to measure recovery. Especially eating disorder recovery. To me anyway, recovery seems easier to track if you are an alcholic for example. By number of days without a drink. Like I said, that seems easier to track TO ME. I've never struggled with alcohol addiction so I can't really speak for it. But for anorexia, how do you really track it? Thirty days since I went back to CR? No, that didn't seem right. Thirty days since I've been out of the hospital? No, that didn't seem right either. Thirty days that things have been perfect? Well, that would never happen! Recovery isn't perfect. I know that. So why did I choose to pick up a chip last Thursday? (And thus face my ultimate fear of raising my hand and have everyone turn to look at me?) Well last Thursday marked 30 days since I signed my blank sheet of paper. (I think I wrote about that?) It marked 30 days since I began this quest for true, complete freedom. Thirty days that I have been in a constant process of surrender. Thirty days that I have done something different for my recovery.

The main theme for those first 30 days was surrender. I know, you are shocked right? That's all I ever talk about on my blog! But that has been huge for me. I have never completely given EVERYTHING over to "Christ's care and control". I've always tried to control some little something. Generally my weight. "God, you are in control of everything, I give everything to you. But I'm just going to stay in charge of my body and weight." Nope. That's not complete surrender. So, signing my blank sheet of paper I said, "God, I give it all to you. Whatever you want to make my body- it is yours. If you want me to gain 200 pounds (which I pray is not his will!), it is yours. Here- you be in control." Wow, has that been a struggle or what?! It hasn't been perfect. But I am learning. I also learned that surrendering is not a one-time act. It wasn't just signing the blank sheet of paper. But it is constant surrender through my actions daily. So I continue to learn! I am excited to see what God continues to teach me on this journey to complete freedom!