Freedom through Grace

I was talking to a girl in my therapy group today and felt horribly burdened when I discovered that she believed she would never be "good enough" for God. That her works would never be enough. I asked her if she knew about God's grace and she said, "Sure!....No. I mean, what do you mean?" As we continued to talk I began to share with her that it was by grace we were saved. Not by our works. She then asked "What about people that murder people and hurt children and stuff?" So we talked about the difference in God's grace and forgiveness and consequences. I felt so good that I was able to share about God's grace with her and I hope and pray that I can continue to reveal God's love and God's truths to her. I hope that she will feel a sense of freedom. That she can breathe a sigh of relief that she doesn't have to be "good enough" for God. That it is through His love, mercy and grace that we are saved. What a horrible burden to carry around to think that you can never be good enough for God. If you are one who thinks that, I have great news for you!! You don't have to be!! He loves you just like you are and it is by His grace and your faith that you are saved!!

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2:8-10 NIV)

And again, in the Message Version, Ephesians 2:8-10

Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We don't play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.

And I absolutely LOVE the Amplified Bible's version of the same passage:

For it is by free grace (God's unmerited favor) that you are saved (delivered from judgment and made partakers of Christ's salvation) through [your] faith. And this [salvation] is not of yourselves [of your own doing, it came not through your own striving], but it is the gift of God; Not because of works [not the fulfillment of the Law's demands], lest any man should boast. [It is not the result of what anyone can possibly do, so no one can pride himself in it or take glory to himself.] For we are God's [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live].

In a world that often has impossible standards for us to live up to I am so relieved to have a heavenly Father that I don't have to be "good enough" for. That I have freedom through His grace.

Being able to sing

I had never really thought much about being able to sing and the freedom found in that. Sure, I've been sick before and not able to physically sing and was always sad to be missing out Sunday mornings. But it hasn't been until the last few months, as I am going through the worst season of my life (thus far anyway), that I have found myself emotionally unable to sing. I have found that weird. I don't understand why I haven't been able to sing. I am not angry at God for the pain going on in my life right now. I don't think any differently of Him. I haven't lost hope or my faith in Him. So why have I been unable to sing? I don't know. Music really ministers to my soul. Listening to music and singing. And the last few months I have found that listening to music, feeling like I was being sung to, has been incredibly encouraging. And I have opened my mouth to sing along, especially praise and worship music, but the lump appears in my throat and my eyes well up with tears. And words to songs have taken on new meaning. I have truly thought, and thought deeply, about every word that I have attempted to sing. The last few weeks have been better for me. I have found my voice again and found the freedom I feel when I can sing. I still think deeply about the words that come out of my mouth and find I have to stop sometimes. But I am glad that I have moved into being able to sing again. I feel lighter in my chest and it is a very freeing experience.

Reflecting on 30 days

Wow, have I ever turned into a blogging slacker!! But I will do better!!

Last Thursday, October 28th, I was privileged to be able to pick up my 30-day chip at Celebrate Recovery. I had really mixed feelings about it. I have attended CR off and on for years now. But I have never picked up a chip other than my first-time chip. Why? Well for one thing I am incredibly shy, so to raise my hand and have everyone turn to look at me feels horrifying. But really what it boils down to is I'm not sure how to measure recovery. Especially eating disorder recovery. To me anyway, recovery seems easier to track if you are an alcholic for example. By number of days without a drink. Like I said, that seems easier to track TO ME. I've never struggled with alcohol addiction so I can't really speak for it. But for anorexia, how do you really track it? Thirty days since I went back to CR? No, that didn't seem right. Thirty days since I've been out of the hospital? No, that didn't seem right either. Thirty days that things have been perfect? Well, that would never happen! Recovery isn't perfect. I know that. So why did I choose to pick up a chip last Thursday? (And thus face my ultimate fear of raising my hand and have everyone turn to look at me?) Well last Thursday marked 30 days since I signed my blank sheet of paper. (I think I wrote about that?) It marked 30 days since I began this quest for true, complete freedom. Thirty days that I have been in a constant process of surrender. Thirty days that I have done something different for my recovery.

The main theme for those first 30 days was surrender. I know, you are shocked right? That's all I ever talk about on my blog! But that has been huge for me. I have never completely given EVERYTHING over to "Christ's care and control". I've always tried to control some little something. Generally my weight. "God, you are in control of everything, I give everything to you. But I'm just going to stay in charge of my body and weight." Nope. That's not complete surrender. So, signing my blank sheet of paper I said, "God, I give it all to you. Whatever you want to make my body- it is yours. If you want me to gain 200 pounds (which I pray is not his will!), it is yours. Here- you be in control." Wow, has that been a struggle or what?! It hasn't been perfect. But I am learning. I also learned that surrendering is not a one-time act. It wasn't just signing the blank sheet of paper. But it is constant surrender through my actions daily. So I continue to learn! I am excited to see what God continues to teach me on this journey to complete freedom!

Surrender

Okay God, I get it. Your message is loud and clear. Surrender. That word has been popping up everywhere lately. And I know God better than to think it's just coincidence. It has popped up in conversations, sermons, testimonies, and songs (especially ones that get stuck in my head!) - among other places! Even yoga class!

One of the songs, when I looked up the lyrics it said it was called "Jesus, Lover of My Soul" but I thought it was called something different. Anyway, here are part of the lyrics:

it's all about You, Jesus
and all this is for You
for Your glory and your fame
it's not about me
as if You should do things my way
You alone are God
and I surrender to your ways

I was singing along in church for once (more about my struggle to sing another time) and I am loving this song and really into it and then I get to the word surrender and I kinda stumble over it. Then it gets me thinking.

I wrote about surrender in "The Serenity Prayer" maybe two weeks ago or so, so I won't go back and repeat that. But there's that word cropping up again. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will. God kinda hit me over the head with surrender there and I must not have gotten it because it continues to crop up in life. So here are a few of Webster's Dictionary's definitions for surrender.

(as a noun) the action of yielding one's person or giving up the possession of something especially into the power of another
(as a verb) to give oneself up into the power of another

Giving up power. Yeah, that's me. I'm a control freak. I am. And in some of the worst ways possible. It's one thing to have power struggles with my treatment team about food and weight gain and stuff like that. It still isn't good and I need to surrender (there's that word again!) to their knowledge, experience and expertise. Yeah, I get that. I'm not the best at doing that, but I get that. But it's another thing to have power struggles with God. Do I really want to go there? Really? I'm going to have a power struggle with GOD???? Ummm......I know who's going to win. So, really, am I going to go there? But I do. Sadly I do. The Bible talks about surrendering a lot when talking about battles and such in the Old Testament. However Job had two verses that struck a chord with me. (All the Scripture I quote in this post come from the Contemporary English Version)

"Surrender your heart to God,

turn to him in prayer,

and give up your sins--

even those you do in secret." (Job 11:13-14)

Yeah, that one especially struck a chord with me. - even the sins I do in secret. Wow.

And in Job 22: 21, we are promised peace and prosperity if we surrender to God.

"Surrender to God All-Powerful!

You will find peace

and prosperity."

In the New Testament, we find both James and Peter speaking of surrender.

Surrender to God! Resist the devil, and he will run from you. Come near to God, and he will come near to you. Clean up your lives, you sinners. Purify your hearts, you people who can't make up your mind. (James 4:7-8)

Dear friends, you are foreigners and strangers on this earth. So I beg you not to surrender to those desires that fight against you. Always let others see you behaving properly, even though they may still accuse you of doing wrong. Then on the day of judgment, they will honor God by telling the good things they saw you do. ( 1 Peter 2:11-12)

So, I guess I am getting God's message loud and clear. Now it's just a matter of doing it. And I've discovered it's not just a one-time act. (You probably already know that- I'm a slow learner!) But surrendering is a daily, hourly, sometimes minute-to-minute process. I think I am probably in the minute-to-minute stage right now. So here I go. For the next minute (what the heck- next five minutes!) I give everything over to you God. You are in control. I surrender to your will.

Lessons from Yoga

Well, if you know me, then you know that Tuesday mornings I have a yoga class that I begrudgingly go to. It's not that I don't like yoga- I do- but there are just other places I would rather be. The stretching feels good and stuff, but really, I'd like to be somewhere else. Anyway our yoga instructor is Andrea, who is also a therapist, and really good at turning yoga into life lessons. Here are some things I have learned from her:

Inverted poses are good if you can't sleep at night or are trying to make a decision. This gets the blood flowing differently and gives you a different perspective. How many times in life do we need a new perspective?

Uncomfortable poses. Yoga brings on many uncomfortable poses. Andrea encourages us to stay in the poses and "find peace with where you are". In life too.

Going deeper. So I am in a pose where I am stretched and blindly reaching for my toes. I'm frustrated with my perceived lack of flexibility and about to give up when Andrea appears beside me and encourages me to "go a little deeper". With her assistance I am able to stretch slightly more and surprise! There are my toes. How many times in life do I give up too quickly when if I had persisted and gone a "little deeper", would have found I could achieve my goal?

Focal points. When doing poses where you have to have incredible balance Andrea tells us to find a point in the room or on the wall and focus on that. When your mind is focused on that one thing it is easier to concentrate on what you are doing. When your gaze is scattered your balance is off. For me, I need to keep my eyes on Jesus, otherwise my gaze is scattered and I am way off balance. How about you?

Before the Morning

Really needing to hear this song today. Over and over. This is Josh Wilson's "Before the Morning". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZDQzR8LK-c&feature=related

Here are the words:

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

Daniel 3

Tonight I am hurting. The tears are flowing freely. So I turn to one of my favorite lessons in the Bible, Daniel 3. This is the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. If you are not familiar with the story, the short version is that these three men refused to bow down and worship the gold statue the king (King Nebuchadnezzar) had made. King Nebuchadnezzar threatens to throw the men into a blazing furnace if they do not obey him. "and Nebuchadnezzar said to them, "Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, that you do not serve my gods or worship the image of gold I have set up? ¹⁵ Now when you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipes and all kinds of music, if you are ready to fall down and worship the image I made, very good. But if you do not worship it, you will be thrown immediately into a blazing furnace. Then what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?" (Daniel 3:14-15) These men stand firm though. Here is their response, Daniel 3:16-18, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. ¹⁷ If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. ¹⁸ But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

I have the "True Identity" Bible and has a little side "At issue" about trusting God, looking at verses 17 and 18. Here is what it says, "Perhaps you asked God to protect your baby, but you lost him. Or you pleaded with God to heal your mother's cancer, but she died. Or you begged God to save your marriage, but your husband left you. If God is so powerful, then why does He allow these things to happen? Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego knew that God could save them, but they also trusted Him even if He chose not to do so. When life doesn't go the way you'd hoped, and you're stuck in the furnace, will you choose to trust that God is still good?" Ouch. How many times have I decided I couldn't trust God anymore because life wasn't looking like I thought it should...I have done that way too many times. It is trusting God even when things look the complete opposite of how I think they should look.

Continuing on with the story, the men, fully clothed, are bound in ropes and thrown into the furnace. The furnace is so hot that it kills the soldiers who threw them into the furnace. Picking up the story in verse 24, "Then King Nebuchadnezzar leaped to his feet in amazement and asked his advisers, "Weren't there three men that we tied up and threw into the fire?" They replied, "Certainly, O king."²⁵ He said, "Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods." ²⁶ Nebuchadnezzar then approached the opening of the blazing furnace and shouted, "Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out! Come here!" So Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire, ²⁷ and the satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them.

I think it was three years ago that our Tuesday morning Ladies' Bible Class did Beth Moore's Daniel study. It was incredible and I will never forget it. I don't have my workbook with me, but there are a few things stuck in my memory from this particular story. A biggie was verse 25, that they were walking around in the fire. They didn't sit down and moan and complain about the situation they were in or just sit and wait for something to happen. They walked. They kept moving. We have to keep moving and walk through the fires in our life. The other biggie that I will never forget is in verse 27, They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them. The only thing that had burned on them was the ropes that had held them captive. Their bondage. They were not harmed. I could never say things like Beth Moore, and I wish I had my workbook here with me to review my notes. Sometimes we are put through a fire to burn our bondage. I know that this fire I am walking through right now, it is my bondage that is being burned. Not me. I will not be harmed. God is using this fire to set me free. There were many other things that really hit home with me in this study and I will have to get my workbook and share more, but I feel ill-equipped to try and talk about this too much without my notes. But for now, for tonight, with my tears and my heart-break, I will choose to continue to walk, knowing that God is right there walking through the fire with me.

The Serenity Prayer

I think I'm going to quit labeling my posts in "days". I'm not liking how that makes me feel...kinda...I dunno...I just don't like it. So I'm not going to do it. So there! Anyway...The Serenity Prayer. I have always loooooved The Serenity Prayer. I'm not sure when I first heard it...high school maybe, but it has always been very meaningful to me. I didn't always know the whole prayer- I just knew the short prayer. But I have found the second part of the prayer, the part that most people don't know, has spoken the most to me. About a month ago I sat down in Celebrate Recovery and went to recite the prayer with everyone and found I couldn't do it. A lump formed in my throat and I couldn't get the words out as tears came down my face. The reality of the words was sinking in. Wanna know which part made me choke up? Well here is the whole prayer, if you aren't familiar with it.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.

So which part? "Taking this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it". Ouch. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Not as I would have it. My life right now is so far from what I would like. I guess most people deal with that at some time. But that is forefront in my mind right now. How life is not as I would have it!! But then, the next part, "Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will". That night that this prayer changed for me, I stumbled over the "not as I would have it" part. I kinda slowed down and stumbled over those words. But the next part, that's when I couldn't speak. That's when the lump appeared and the tears started. You see, at that time, I don't think I knew that or believed that God would make all things right. And that surrender part? Where did that come from? How had I never noticed before the surrender part. I wanted it to just be God making all things right. Where did that surrender part come from? And His will? Wow. This surrender theme has been raging clear this past month with me. I think maybe I'm starting to get it. My part is to surrender and to trust. And His part is to make all things right (according to His will- not mine). "That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next." God wants me to be happy. He doesn't desire the misery and heart-break I feel. He doesn't promise supreme happiness in this life, but reasonable happiness. And I'll take that! So my part, surrender and trust. And I'm getting to where I can now say the prayer without crying- maybe part of surrendering and trusting. And believing.

Day 7

Okay. So having freedom doesn't mean you can't have a bad day. I've been beating myself up all day because today has just been a flat out hard day with challenges and lots of tears. And I was telling myself that I couldn't blog since I was having a bad day, obviously I'm not experiencing freedom. Well, it's taken most of the day, but I finally talked myself out of that lie! Bad days happen! Pain happens! That is all part of being human. God does not promise that life on earth will be free from pain. Ha! The freedom from that will come in our next life, when we are at home with our Father.

Hmmm. Interesting. I had searched "freedom" on biblegateway.com and stumbled across Romans 8:20-21. Check it out, "For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." Isn't that kinda like what I was just talking about? I dunno. I'm not even close to knowing my stuff when it comes to the Bible. I wish I did. It's my goal, but I never seem to be able to "get" what people are talking about when they dissect verses and all. I always feel really stupid. But anyway, this verse really stands out to me. I keep reading it over and over. Anyway, I don't know.

So my lesson for the day. I haven't "fallen off the wagon" because I have had a bad day, shed a few, no, a lot, of tears, had doubts and challenges. I think the key is where I go from here. Does my bad day turn into a week of believing Satan's lies? Do I let the pain I am experiencing discourage me from continuing to seek God's truth and believe that true freedom from my bondage exists? No. I take today for what it was. A bad day. I learn from it. I bury my nose in the Good Book to fill my head with God's truths. I continue to learn. And I continue to BELIEVE.

Day 5

In my therapy group on Friday we were talking about happiness. One of the girls asked if recovery would bring her true happiness. My answer was "no". Happiness has to come from within. I have come to the realization that no matter what happens in my life, I have the choice to be happy. I can't base my happiness on external things (my marriage, financial circumstances, having the dream job, etc.) My happiness comes from knowing who I am in Christ and knowing that He is in control of all the external stuff. In knowing my freedom in Him. I can choose to be happy, no matter what the circumstances, just like Paul. So if my marriage does fall apart, if I end up working at a job I don't like, if life doesn't look like I would have chosen, I can be happy. And today I am choosing to be happy.

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances."- Phil. 4:11

Day 2

September 28, 2010. That will forever be a changing day in my life. I didn't know it would be when I woke up that morning. In fact, I had ill-intentions for the day. But God had other plans. I'm not calling September 28th, Day 1 of freedom, because my revelations happened over the day, not just one ah-ha moment. Yesterday really was my first day of trying out this freedom that I have heard about, and have yearned for. I am learning. I am stubborn and set in my ways and God has really outdone himself trying to get my attention. But He has. And something clicked. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can be free. My freedom is between me and Him, not based on outside circumstances. And it is in turning everything over to Him. Oh, I have tried in the past and failed. Because I always held on to one little thing. One little thing I couldn't let go of. Well like I learned Tuesday night, it is signing a blank sheet of paper. I don't know what I am signing.